You see that video of me?

I don’t understand why it got so many views.

Just walking down the fucking road—shock horror.

Must have been my gorgeous legs.


Dinner At The Parents

Yeah, seeing Mum and Dad tonight.

Gotta find em first though…

Can’t be that hard right? Australia isn’t that big.

Julien Blanc can eat shit.

If what I’ve read on the internet is true about the human called Julien Blanc, then it makes me proud to be an Australian.

We gave him the boot, told him to get the fuck out.

If he stuck around any longer, I’d a taken a shit on his face. Have you ever seen emu shit? It’s nasty as fuck.

I’d given him a great big squishy slap on his stupid face.

And then maybe consider kicking him in the groin with my massive fucking toe claw.

I love being an Emu.


When I was a kid I used to skull vinegar.

Like straight from the bottle.

Now when someone puts vinegar on fish and chips I feel like a recovered drug addict sprinkling drugs on my food.

You don’t even want to see what I’m like with a packet of salt and vinnies.